Why are so many of us so bad at listening?

Do I have your attention?

Maybe. But probably not.

Maybe it’s because listening isn’t a skill that is pushed or praised as much as others. These days it can seem as if listening skills are lacking in most of our meetings and conversations.

Don’t believe me?

Ever been in the middle of telling someone an important story and watch them pull out their phone as you are mid-sentence? It can totally destroy your conversation when you suddenly suspect, with good reason, that the other party is not paying attention to you.

Beyond the rudeness factor, it can communicate that a person is either too scattered or too selfish to offer you their quality, focused attention. And that, in turn, can be the difference between choosing to work with someone or not. Or trusting someone. Or opting to invest your own time further into that relationship.

Listening is receptive and it can seem passive. After all, if you are actively listening, then you probably look like you aren’t doing much of anything. And, in our culture, effort equals praise.

Work is good.

Stillness is bad.

No pain, no gain.

However, active listening can be a superpower. And it can also be very, very difficult. Listening leads to better connections, improved empathy, and amplified trust between people.

In essence, if building relationships is important to you, then you will want to consider developing listening as a strength.

How can you show that you are actively listening to another person?

A coach I was working with several years ago brought me a small gift at the beginning of our work together. It was a small handkerchief that said, “You have my attention” and it was just large enough to wrap over a cell phone. I thought it was very clever and with that gesture, I understood (in a friendly, but firm way) that she expected my complete attention and my phone would not be welcome during our time together.

Listening is a key component to better conversations. So how can you show someone you are listening to them?

Here are three tactics to work on as a start to better listening:

Focus one thing at a time.

Don’t attempt to multi-task. Put away the phone or turn it upside down. Try not to look at the other screens in front of you during a meeting. Turn off notifications on your computer. Dim or block any other distractions so you can give 100 percent of your attention to the conversation at hand.

The effects of focusing on one thing at a time will also mean that you will have a heads start on matching your nonverbal communication to your verbal. Your eyes will be engaged with the other person and not on technology, the scenery outside, or the dog on the floor.

Listen to understand.

Don’t listen in order to formulate your response. Listen to understand. Trust in your ability to formulate sentences when you need to and don’t rush into offering up your opinion or thoughts until the other person has finished talking.

I struggle with this one because I do a lot of podcast interviews. In radio and on podcasts, there isn’t often a lot of dead air. People step on each other’s sentences to keep a listener’s interest.

But this is a bad habit for conversation and if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone rushing you along and suggesting endings for the sentences you are still forming in your mouth, then you’ll understand why.

When you are busy formulating your own responses, you aren’t capable of listening completely to a satisfactory level of understanding with another person. You might be able to conduct an entertaining interview, but your connection with the other person can’t be well-formed because they will sense that you aren’t taking the time to let them formulate complete thoughts and will instinctively pull back somewhat of what they share.

Keep your wisdom to yourself (unless asked).

Here’s another area in which I need constant practice. Poor listeners often have a bad habit of offering up their advice and experiences when the other party hasn’t asked for it. Salespeople have a tendency to do this so that they can make sure to demonstrate their value while they have you on the hook.

The problem is that, unless someone has requested advice, this “wisdom” can come off as pushy and tone-deaf, discouraging trust and the development of a deeper connection. This is one reason so many people steer clear of salespeople and why we must always guard against jumping the gun with our suggestions.

A wise woman I know will wait until after I’ve said something to tell me she has some ideas for me that might work. Then she asks me if I would like to hear them.

It’s a small thing, but that simple request – contained within two short sentences – seems graceful, polite, and respectful and I think those qualities apply to her as a whole as a result. Her communication style (and listening style) matches the character of the person I know her to be.

Can we become better listeners?

Of course. Anything, with practice, is possible. To ignore the role of active listening in communication is to miss out on one of the best ways to learn, connect, and grow in the conversations we have with others. If we care about connecting with others, we owe it to ourselves to develop our listening skills creating a stronger foundation for our personal and professional relationships.

 

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*To learn more about building trust with your staff, check out this webinar:

Replacing the Timecard Mentality: Are you cultivating trust among your staff? Learn how to earn & sustain a trusting community with staff in a virtual/hybrid work environment. Glenn Tecker & I will share our experiences and examples on August 27, 2-3 pm ET. Register at https://bit.ly/Trust4.